Earlier this month, I joined a gathering of a few students in my MFA program to talk about the state of the world and how we can help each other navigate this scary, weird political climate. At the beginning of the session, our professor had us write down the questions that have been at the top of our minds lately.
I scribbled a long list of political concerns (“What are productive ways of being an ally? How can I keep myself from disengaging?”1) followed by a personal thought that’s occupied my mind since the start of the year:
“How can I enjoy my life, fulfill my creative interests, and make money at the same time?” I wrote. Then I added, “Is that even possible?”
This is, of course, the existential crisis that comes with working in a capitalist environment. But it’s become especially acute since I became a freelancer, because how I spend my time is largely my choice, so long as I can support myself financially. It’s both an immense privilege and, at times, a curse.
It got me thinking about a meme that circulated around 2017, which had a picture of a triangle with the points labeled “good grades,” “social life,” and “enough sleep.” The center of the triangle read: “Choose two.” I saw it on Facebook in college and felt both seen and embarrassed, mostly because my two were “good grades” and “enough sleep.” I wanted to be the kind of girl who stayed at frat parties until 2 a.m., but I cared more about academics and my precious eight hours. Clearly, mastering the “fun” vertex has been a problem for me for a long time.
At the beginning of January, I took on a three-month copywriting project which, combined with some other consistent paid work, satisfied the “make money” bucket. But saying yes to steady income meant putting off creative projects (including this newsletter), especially because I take MFA classes in the evenings. “Enjoy my life” also quickly fell by the wayside, no thanks to the especially cold winter here in New York, which made finding joy in the small things harder than usual.
By mid-February, my skin broke out in a stress-induced rash and crusty dishes piled up in the kitchen sink as I fought to stay on top of my long to-do lists. Not the image of balance and well-being I’d hoped for when I quit my job last year to work for myself.
Now, as the aforementioned copywriting project wraps up, I’m beginning to think that true balance doesn’t exist in any given day or week, but is spread over months and years. To me, it makes more sense to focus a stretch of time on paid writing, and then to use those earnings to fund a few months of unpaid creative work (i.e. essays or book reviews that may never see the light of day), rather than pressuring myself to get it all done at once. The whole reason I decided to freelance, after all, was to exercise control over my projects without the external pressure of a boss or a daily newsroom.
Still, it’s a major mental adjustment, given I spent five of the last six years receiving a regular paycheck. I deal with a lot of anxiety around money and uncertainty — as many children of the Global Financial Crisis do — so the idea of having some periods where I voluntarily earn less is scary. But I also know that thinking hard about time as a finite resource, and money as a tool rather than a commodity, is a good thing.
For other freelancers, creatives, and entrepreneurs out there, what has worked for you when it comes to balancing paid work and passion projects? How do you define balance?
Good Content
Below are a few bits of content that got me through this winter. I hope you’ll find them helpful, too.
I’ve been a loyal subscriber to The Sunday Long Read for almost ten years, and they recently began including some Substack content in their weekly roundups. This essay from Paul Crenshaw spoke to me on some of my darkest days this winter.
Michael Lewis’ Washington Post series “Who is Government?” focuses on overlooked US government workers that are making real change. They’re all incredible, but this one on Heather Stone from the FDA is jaw-dropping.
Shayda is undoubtedly the best movie I’ve seen this year. I watched it on a plane home from London last week and I’m still thinking about it.
Cielo Lutino, an incredible writer and friend of mine published an essay in Salvation South earlier this month. It’s about sports and girlhood and what it means to be an immigrant. I’m so proud to know her!
I’m planning another trip to France this summer (part of my efforts to “enjoy my life”) and this Wellness City Guide from Katie Stone’s Plant Based had great recs.
Thank you for reading! I’ll be back in early April with a new Writing Practice guest.
If you have thoughts on this, please let me know.
Such a fun read!